I've been watching the discussion this week on my blog, Facebook, and Love Is An Orientation (with guest blogger Dan Brennan) about sacred friendships. Several people have expressed the belief that having deep friendships--particularly cross-gender--somehow takes away from the intimacy and depth of a marriage. It's as if they believe that if you love a friend deeply, then you have less love to share with your spouse. Or that somehow intense friendships infringe on the exclusivity and specialness of marriage.

No surprise that I would disagree with that, or at least partially disagree. But I think the problem is coming in that we are confusing several aspects of relationships. Relationships are like a rope made up of several different strands. Let's unwind the rope and look at each strand individually.

1) Connection: You can call it "chemistry" or "spark" or whatever, but it's that sense that you get and understand the other person. There's some positive energy between the two and it's not physical attraction that makes you want to be with that other person. Maybe it's a shared interest or shared ideals and beliefs. Maybe it's mental stimulation and challenge. Or maybe it's an appreciation for what the other person adds to your life, and hopefully a desire to add something to their life. Whatever it is, it's that thing that makes two people interesting to each other.

2) Emotional Intensity: This is the level of depth in the relationship. We are measuring the level of intensity when we speak of having a "best friend" or "soul sister" or when we refer to someone as a "casual friend" or "acquaintance." A very intense relationship involves a depth of emotions and attachment as well as a deeper level of transparency and vulnerability. I'm calling it "emotional intensity" but I think it includes our spiritual side as well--faith (if we have it), creativity, etc. On the more intense end of the scale is where I'd place the "friendship passion" I blogged about earlier.

3) Relational Energy: This is the amount of time and energy that we put into any given relationship. This includes the efforts we make to build the relationship, maintain it, and deepen it. It is also the time spent together with that person, the quality of that time, and how those efforts affect us. Some people have a greater level of relational energy than other people, and it also can fluctuate according to what else is going on in your life, and factors like your physical and mental health, family, etc.

4) Physical Intimacy: I'm not talking sexual intimacy here. Let's keep it simple and define it as any physical contact that would be appropriate between non-spousal family members (siblings, parent-child, etc.)--such as holding hands, hugging, kissing on the cheek, non-sexual touch, etc. Different relationships have different levels of physical intimacy--everything from none at all to the closeness of a family member.

5) Sexual Attraction: This does not necessarily mean that you want to have sex with the other person, though it can mean that. But as several people have pointed out, part of being human is being a sexual person. So this aspect of a relationship can be a range from merely being aware of the gender of the other person (we all can usually tell if we're talking to a male or a female), to appreciating (but not desiring) the physical beauty or sensuality of another person, all the way to intensely desiring that person in a sexual way.

6) Sexual Intimacy: Some of what would be in #4 also would be expressed in this category, but the difference between them is the motivation. Plus, this category includes all the types of intimacy that is overtly sexual in nature. Like physical intimacy, relationships can include none of this or some or all of it.

7) Love: This one is difficult to define--philosophers have been trying for centuries. But for our purposes, this is at minimum the compassion and concern a person has for another person. It's good will toward that person, and a desire to see the best done for that person. I think it also contains an element of selflessness and willingness to forego our own wants and wishes for the sake of the other person. It's what makes us feel protective of another person, or sad when they are sad, happy when they are happy, and makes us willing to help them and support them, forgive them, etc. It can involve a huge array of emotions, which makes it difficult to pin down.

8) Commitment: This can include marriage, but it can also mean the commitment between a parent and child, or other family members, or the commitment between two friends. It's what you are willing to share, do, give up, give over, be there for, or promise for another person. Sometimes, as in marriage or civil union, it's a legal commitment. Other times, it might be a publicly acknowledged commitment. Other times, it might be a more casual or unspoken commitment.

Did I miss any strands? If I did, leave a comment and I'll edit it if I think you came up with a whole different strand.

I'll probably have to do more than one post to talk about these areas. But right now, I want to look at whether any of these are "zero-sum" categories--meaning, are they limited resources that if I give some to one person, that's less for another person.

Connection is not zero-sum. I can connect to many different people, depending on our personalities, common interests, or other points of commonality. My connection with one person doesn't take away from my connection with another person because each person is unique and will interact with me in a unique way.

Emotional Intensity is not zero-sum either, though it may seem like it at first. But what actually limits our emotional intensity is our personal tolerance for it. Some people can handle being close emotionally to a greater number of people than others can. Usually, the number of very intense relationships we can tolerate is fairly small, but it is a personal level. Most people are capable of sustaining more than one intense or close relationship at a time, however.

Relational Energy IS zero-sum because it involves the finite resource of time. If I spend time doing one thing, it means there's something else I'm not spending time doing. But relational energy is also affected by what else is happening in our lives. If we are very busy or stressed, we may have less energy to devote to relationships than if we weren't busy and stressed. Our energy levels can fluctuate due to a variety of factors. However, despite that, most of us really do have enough time and energy to sustain more than one close relationship. We learn to budget our time and to flow with the level of energy we have at any given point in our lives.

Physical Intimacy is not zero-sum. The hug I give my brother doesn't mean I have one less hug to give to my sister, or mom, or friend. We have unlimited number of physical touches to give to people. Again, this one is limited more by our own personal comfort levels and preferences.

Sexual Attraction is not zero-sum. I can be aware of the gender of every single person I meet. I can even think lots of people are attractive. Some people feel sexual desire for many people. Being attracted to one person doesn't take away from the attraction you might feel for someone else. But it is an area where we have to be self-aware and make good choices about what we do with our level of attraction for different people so that we behave appropriately and morally. And this area is controlled and affected by other strands of the relationship--particularly love and commitment.

Sexual Intimacy is not actually a zero-sum game. In truth, humans are capable of being sexually intimate with many other people. (I'm not saying it's healthy or good to do so, merely that it is possible.) It's not a limited resource. Of course, that's not to say it's socially or morally acceptable, but we're talking about zero-sum, and it's not. What limits this strand is our moral beliefs, personal preferences, and personal choices and life situation. When we are monogamous, we choose to limit this strand of relationship to only one person.

Love is not zero-sum. As a Christian, I have been taught to love everybody, even people who don't love me back. So of course love can't be a finite resource. But even aside from that, this is a concept we have to teach every single oldest child when their new sibling comes along--"just because mommy and daddy love your new brother/sister, doesn't mean we love you any less." We have room in our hearts to love a great many people. Loving one person doesn't mean there is less love for someone else.

Commitment is...somewhat zero-sum. Because commitment involves finite resources like time and possibly money, etc. we can only commit to a limited number of people. And it depends on the type of commitment--in our country, we're only allowed to make a marriage commitment to one person at a time, which actually is quite sensible, I think. But we DO have other committed relationships. Most of us feel a level of commitment to our other family members, or close friends, or a church or religious community, or even the commitment we feel toward co-workers or team members. We have to be aware of how many commitments we can reasonably uphold, but it certainly isn't usually limited to only one person. And though sometimes our commitment to one person might clash with our commitment to another person, we can usually sustain more than one commitment without taking away from any of them if we prioritize and are careful about how we do it.

These 8 strands combine in varying levels to create each relationship we have in our lives--from the relationship we have with the mail carrier to the relationship we have with our mother, spouse, or closest friend. They are affected by finite resources such as time, and by social and moral conventions, as well as by our own personal tolerance levels and preferences.

When we consider how these strands create every single relationship, we see that it would be untrue to claim that any deep relationship outside of the one with our spouse somehow would endanger or take away from that marriage or romantic relationship. Out of 8 strands, only 2 are zero-sum. And even with those finite limitations, most of us are capable of having healthy, loving, and close relationships with more than one person.