Deleted Scenes from SAHM I Am:

1) Distracted Daughter

This scene begins with another uplifting Topic Of The Week (TOTW) from everyone’s favorite loop moderator, Rosalyn, discussing the topic of Back To School. Brenna is weighing in with an anecdote about trying to get her second-grader ready for school. Zelia responds with an empathetic email and an invitation to Brenna to join the weekly chat she has with Jocelyn and Dulcie.

Originally, this scene introduced a sub-plot that involved Brenna’s daughter, Madeline, being diagnosed with ADHD. I drew on our own experience with our oldest daughter. But I had to cut about 25% of the original manuscript for length, so I decided to focus on Brenna and Darren’s infertility problems and take out the ADHD sub-plot. This required me to write a new TOTW for this section in the published version.

From: Rosalyn Ebberly <prov31woman@home.com>
To: SAHM I Am <sahmiam@loophole.com>
Subject:[SAHM I AM] TOTW August 16: Back To School

Dear Domestic Wonders,
The apples here in Washington will soon be ripe, and the stores are full of backpacks, notebooks, and autumn fashions. It’s time for school bells to ring and crossing guards to be stationed at corners, guiding our little treasures safely across perilous intersections to the sacred halls of learning.

What does “back to school” mean in your household? Do your children go to school at home or a Christian school? What special preparations or activities happen in your family during this time of year?

This is an extra special time for us, because our oldest, Suzannah, is going off to school for the first time. I’ve schooled her at home the last two years, but this summer, she won a scholarship to attend a very exclusive private academy – tuition paid. She’s only six, but they felt she would be better off in second grade because she’s so advanced for her age. We just bought her school uniforms today, and they’re so cute! She can’t wait to begin.

Jefferson and Abigail will continue here at home. I found instructions on the internet for how to make an entire school wardrobe for them out of organic, hand-dyed cotton. I’ve attached several pictures of the two of them modeling their outfits. What do you think? Don’t they just radiate health in that lovely, all-natural fabric? And so fashionable, too. Even though it’s home school, I insist they be dressed appropriately. It helps them develop a serious approach to education.

So tell us – what are your back-to-school plans?

Graciously yours,
Rosalyn Ebberly
SAHM I AM loop moderator

“She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Proverbs 31:27 (NASB)

From:Brenna L. <saywhat@writeme.com>
To:SAHM I Am <sahmiam@loophole.com>
Subject:Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW August 16: Back to School

Back-to-school time means my sanity comes back after being gone all summer. Madeline will be in second grade this year – at our local public school, since there is no private school in the area – and what a relief to see her school bus pull up in front of our house! Maddy’s a great kid, but she is SO spacey. For example, this morning...

Maddy: Mom, I want to wear my lipgloss pin.
(It’s a flower pin that flips open and has lipgloss inside. She’s very proud of it.)
Me: Okay.
Maddy: I can’t find it!
Me: Where do you remember seeing it last?
Maddy: (after trying for five minutes to remember) I think I pinned it on my Molly doll, so the blanket would stay on her.
Me: Well, where’s Molly?
(Maddy searches for doll.)
Maddy: I can’t find her, either!
Me: Where did you have her?
(yeah, I KNOW that’s a stupid question...)
Maddy: I don’t remember! (starting to wail)
So we go through the usual conversation – did you take her out of your room? I think so. Did you play with her in the living room? Yeah. Did you put her away? No. (I skipped the “putting your toys away so you won’t lose them” lecture – figured it was a moot point by now.) Did you take her outside?
Ah-hah! Her eyes brightened, and she nodded. Then, I ruined the moment by asking, “Where?”
Maddy: (all together, now!) I can’t remember!
Me: (sighing) Okay...

Then we repeat the process with all the outside play areas. The swingset? No. The big round bales? No. (Good, because she’s not supposed to have her toys there anyway.) The front yard? Uh...nope. How about the barn?

The BARN!!! She runs outside and returns, waving the doll over her head – but no pin, of course. Not a problem, though, because by this time she is so overjoyed at having found the doll, she doesn’t REMEMBER that she originally wanted the pin!

I drop down on our couch and grab two fistfuls of my hair. I try so hard to make her pick up and be organized, but nothing seems to help. School mornings would be impossible if I didn’t make her go through a checklist the night before and lay out all the things she needs. Even then, she forgets at least one thing a day. Sometimes, I wonder if there’s anything going on in that head at all.

So, that’s why I’m only too happy to see her off in the morning. I’m only 24, and I keep questioning if that’s why I’m having problems. All the other second graders’ moms are like 10 years older, and they seem to have everything under control.

Anyway, I should go. I promised Darren’s mom I’d feed one of the bucket calves a bottle this afternoon.

Have a great day!
Brenna

From:Zelia Muzuwa <zeemuzu@vivacious.com>
To:Brenna L. <saywhat@writeme.com>
Subject:I feel your pain

Brenna, girl,
I know just how you feel. Only I was the one with the lost doll and pin – still am! Tristan shaves his head just so he won’t pull out his hair in frustration with me. :)

Listen, if you aren’t busy tonight, me and a couple other SAHM I Am gals have a chat every Monday at 9:00 pm, your time zone. Wanna come? We just use the chat room on our Loophole site at loopy.com.

Z

2) Brenna’s Thanksgiving

Poor Brenna! I had to cut several of her scenes. But she just isn’t the main character. This scene is her describing what she has to look forward to at her family’s Thanksgiving gathering, with a very nice, snarky response from Zelia. I cut this one again because of length, and because I wanted the focus to be on Dulcie’s family Thanksgiving, since Dulcie really is the star of this show.

From:Brenna L. <saywhat@writeme.com>
To:“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:Re: Re: Rosalyn’s TOTW

I’m bracing myself for a fun-filled week of family tension and undercurrents. We’re hosting Thanksgiving at our house, and here’s the guest list:

*  My mother – who thinks that because we live on the same property as my in-laws and see them everyday that we should spend all holidays, even Flag Day, with her to make up for it. We’ve tried to explain that we have to split up or share the holidays with Darren’s family, too, but she just doesn’t get it.

*  My father and his wife – who normally prefer not to be within 10 miles of my mother, but who are going to Jamaica for Christmas as a “second honeymoon” (yeah, whatever – they got married three years ago) and wanted to see Madeline. I’m not thrilled about them coming, but I could hardly say no – especially since they were willing to come even with mom there.

*  My brother Colin who is 29 and thinks that working as a night stock boy at Walmart is a viable career track. He also still sleeps on his Star Wars sheets from when he was a kid, but who am I to judge?

*  Darren’s parents – who persist in the notion that Tulsa is a huge metropolis and who can’t resist taking every opportunity they find to either a) take digs at my mom for being such an ignorant city girl or b) remind everybody how insecure and apologetic they feel about the inferiority of their humble rural life.

*  Darren’s aunt and uncle – who are both on the school board and use Madeline to gather reconnaissance about the teachers at the elementary.

*  Darren’s cousin Lana and her husband and three noisy, spoiled, whiny kids – Lana enjoys waiting until everyone is in the same room and relatively quiet to suddenly ask me “So when are you and Darren gonna have some kids?” then she giggles, “Me and Rick just couldn’t wait to get a bun in the oven. We want a baker’s dozen, at least!” I tell her, “We do have a child, you know.” She says, “Well, yeah, but ...” then she lowers her voice, glancing at Madeline, “we all know that little muffin isn’t Darren’s recipe.” Then she laughs hysterically like she’s actually funny or something. But she and Rick live in town, and there’s no way to really exclude them without causing a huge family uproar, so we just have to endure them the best we can.

Well, now that I’m all good and depressed, I have to go bake a peach pie. Have a great morning, y’all.
Brenna

From:Zelia Muzuwa <zeemuzu@vivacious.com>
To:“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:Re: Rosalyn’s TOTW

<She says, “Well, yeah, but ...” then she lowers her voice, glancing at Madeline, “we all know that little muffin isn’t Darren’s recipe.”>

Bren,
You ought to tell her, “It’s okay that you and Rick prefer cheap mass-production, but Darren and I believe that it takes quality workmanship and years of honing our skills to produce a masterpiece.” That should shut her up.

Z

From:Brenna L. <saywhat@writeme.com>
To:“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:Re: Rosalyn’s TOTW

Hey, Z, not a bad comeback! I might have to memorize that one. :)
Brenna

3) Brenna’s Farm Work-Out

Here’s one more post from Brenna that didn’t make the cut. This is in response to Rosalyn’s TOTW about exercise (The Burn Is A Blessing!). I wrote it in honor of my husband, who grew up on a farm in Kansas. I really hated to cut it, but my editor said a hundred pages had to go, and I ended up having to make some tough decisions. But at least I can show it to you here.

From:Brenna L. <saywhat@writeme.com>
To:SAHM I Am <sahmiam@loophole.com>
Subject:Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 17: Our Bodies – The Temple of God

Oh, please! Jogging and weight lifting is fine for you city women. But us COUNTRY gals have our own “brand” of exercise:

1)The Cow Poop Scoop (Biceps and Lats):  250 lbs. a day, 80 reps with the shovel oughtta give you nice chiseled arms and backs. No one will want to get close enough to you to notice them, but ... oh, well.

2)Runaway Bull Chase (Cardiovascular): 15-20 minutes at 13 MPH dodging and jumping one-ton angry bull as workout buddy. Develops agility and quick reflexes as well as endurance!

3)Grain Bin Climb (Legs and Arms): Throw out your Stair Climbers, girls, and try our grain bin ladder instead. 50 Rungs, up and down, in 1.5 minutes – repeat 25 times, with shovel in one hand. Who needs step areobics?

4)Heifer Tug-o-War (Resistance Training – whole body): Hold rope connected to 900 lb. recalcitrant cow headed east and pull west. Maintain force until you reach momentary muscle failure. This allows you to experience a total body burn, as well as a rope burn.

Now, Rosalyn, about this “bench press” thing: I don’t have time to lay around pushing up a silly old bar with weights on the end. You want bench pressing? Let’s see YOU shove a 1100 lb. lump of hamburger-with-hooves off your foot, then we’ll talk.
I gotta get back to work,
Brenna

4) Flame War!

In this scene, which follows Rosalyn’s extremely self-adoring post about “I just love me!” Connie attempts to soften Rosalyn’s post by explaining to the loop what Rosalyn really meant. This isn’t kindly received by our dear Rosalyn, and the two end up exchanging some rather nasty remarks on the loop, including some incredibly warped Scripture quoting, until Jocelyn finally puts a stop to it. Although I had fun writing this scene, I ultimately felt that it was too nasty to be believable between these women who claim to be best friends. It just wasn’t quite realistic to imagine that they would have such an exchange publicly on the loop. And I decided the book didn’t really need either of them to be more cutting than they already were. But if you’re in the mood for some serious snark, you might enjoy this.

From:Connie Lawson <clmo5@kox.net>
To:SAHM I Am <sahmiam@loophole.com>
Subject:Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 17: Our Bodies – The Temple of God

Dear Loopers,
I feel the need, as the Loop Mom, to clarify some of my dear friend Rosalyn’s comments. She really doesn’t mean to come across as narcissist as it may have appeared. I know her personally – we live only blocks away from each other – and she is the kindest, most selfless woman you could ever hope to meet.

I’m not the most physically fit person in the world, but she never judges me or makes me feel like I should be more like her. She loves me just the way I am. And she encourages me to join her in better eating and exercise habits as well as advising me in what clothes look the best on me and how to do my hair and makeup. She’s such a sweet lady, and I’m so blessed to have her for a friend.

Just remember, you can never take an email at face value because you don’t have a face to put with it!
Love to you all,
Loop Mom Connie

From:Rosalyn Ebberly <prov31woman@kox.net>
To:SAHM I Am <sahmiam@loophole.com>
Subject:Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 17: Our Bodies – The Temple of God

Thank you, Connie, for your well-meant defense of me. However, I don’t think it was necessary. Nobody that I know of felt that there was anything “narcissist” in my comments. Only somebody struggling with her own insecurity would interpret my complete acceptance of who I am as self-absorbed.
Rosalyn

“She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Proverbs 31:27 (NASB)

From:Connie Lawson <clmo5@kox.net>
To:Rosalyn Ebberly <prov31woman@kox.net>
Subject:Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 17: Our Bodies – The Temple of God

Well, obviously at least ONE person interpreted your comments as narcissist – ME.

Connie

From:Rosalyn Ebberly <prov31woman@kox.net>
To:SAHM I Am <sahmiam@loophole.com>
Subject:Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 17: Our Bodies – The Temple of God

And I still think that is a result of your own insecurities about yourself.
Remember, a woman’s most attractive feature is CONFIDENCE.

Rosalyn

“She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Proverbs 31:27 (NASB)

From:Connie Lawson <clmo5@kox.net>
To:SAHM I Am <sahmiam@loophole.com>
Subject:Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 17: Our Bodies – The Temple of God

Rosalyn, you are very confident, to be sure. But sometimes you come on too strong. I think we ALL could benefit from meditating on the following verse, don’t you?

Proverbs 11:22 “As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion.”

Love,
Loop Mom

From:Rosalyn Ebberly <prov31woman@kox.net>
To:SAHM I Am <sahmiam@loophole.com>
Subject:Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 17: Our Bodies – The Temple of God

And after we meditate on Proverbs 11:22, perhaps we should turn our attention to Proverbs 23:2

“...Put a knife to your throat if you are a man (or woman) of great appetite.”
What do you think, Connie?

Rosalyn

“She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Proverbs 31:27 (NASB)

From:The Millards <jstcea4jesus@familymail.net>
To:SAHM I Am <sahmiam@loophole.com>
Subject:Could this be a FLAME WAR on *this* loop???

And between our loop moderators, no less? I suggest we all take a moment to review the Posting Guidelines (written by Connie and Rosalyn) quoted below:

“In the spirit of Christian love and fellowship, absolutely NO flaming is allowed. We will all respect the opinions and the feelings of other members and respond to each other in a way that would please the Lord. If Jesus wouldn’t post it, neither should you!”

Perhaps this fascinating little study of Proverbs would be more appropriate continued in the privacy of one of your homes, since you live so close to each other.
Blessings,
Jocelyn

From:Zelia Muzuwa <zeemuzu@vivacious.com>
To:The Millards <jstcea4jesus@familymail.net>
Subject:Flame wars

Aw, man, Jocelyn! Why did you have to interfere? It was just getting good! I was going to sell tickets on eBay.
Z

From:Rosalyn Ebberly <prov31woman@kox.net>
To:SAHM I Am <sahmiam@loophole.com>
Subject:Apology

Jocelyn is correct. I was completely out of line in my comments. Even though Connie deliberately misrepresented my position, and in front of the entire loop, I should have dealt with it in private and not publicly. Please forgive me.
Sincerely,
Rosalyn

“She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Proverbs 31:27 (NASB)

From:Connie Lawson <clmo5@kox.net>
To:SAHM I Am <sahmiam@loophole.com>
Subject:Re: Apology

I’m sorry, too. My posts were completely inappropriate. Please, everybody, please forgive me. Rosalyn and I have talked, and we’re going to go out to lunch and work this out between us. We hope we haven’t hurt any of you with our little disagreement. Thank you, Jocelyn, for your loving confrontation.
Love,
Connie

From:Brenna L. <saywhat@writeme.com>
To:“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:Re: Apologies

Rats! Wouldn’t you just LOVE to listen in on that conversation? The loop hasn’t been this interesting in weeks! Jocelyn, couldn’t you have let it go for just a bit longer? I wanted to see who would run out of Bible verses the quickest.
Brenna

From:Zelia Muzuwa <zeemuzu@vivacious.com>
To:“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:Re: Apologies

That’s what I’m saying, Jocelyn. Oh, well. Back to our regularly-scheduled program, everybody. Show’s over... and we didn’t even get to see any fur flying.
Z

From:The Millards <jstcea4jesus@familymail.net>
To:“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:Re: Apologies

Sorry to spoil the fight, girls, but I just couldn’t stand it any more. As entertaining as it may have been, I like this loop too much to let them ruin it by bickering.
Jocelyn

5) Ebberly Family Christmas Covenant

This last one isn’t really a full scene. It’s actually part of Rosalyn’s original TOTW for December 6. I was asked to cut it by my editor who felt that the sarcasm embedded in it might be a little offensive to more conservative Christians who honestly find Christmas to be a paganized, commercial holiday. (Plus, you’ll notice I did a spoof on a certain very famous evangelical Christian, and I figured I’d catch flack for that, too.) And since I take plenty of shots at other aspects of Rosalyn’s persona, this wasn’t the hill I wanted to die on. I’ll let you decide if we made the right choice or not.

SOLEMN COVENANT OF THE EBBERLY FAMILY CHRISTMAS TRADITION

We, the Ebberly family, do hereby covenant with each other and with God to promote and pursue a Christmas season that reflects the true meaning of the holiday – the precious birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. We will fulfill this covenant in the following ways:

1. We will not allow the defiling image, name, or idea of Santa Claus (or any of his aliases) in our house or on our lips or in our minds.
2. We will refuse to purchase gifts from any establishment that employs an impersonation of Santa Claus for the sake of promoting selfishness and greed among our children.
3. We will confine our gift giving to $20 per person and endeavor to hand craft as many gifts as possible. Furthermore, we will encourage our friends and relatives to donate money in our names to Dr. Don Jameson’s Family Preservation Fund, instead of giving us more material possessions we don’t really need.
4. We will redeem the pagan tradition of a pine tree in the home by making it a symbol of the lost, ungodly world. We will do this by making all the ornaments representative of every single country and/or tribe in the world, and we will pray over these ornaments throughout the Advent season, asking the Lord to be birthed in each nation on earth.
5. We will decorate our front lawn with a life-size, handmade nativity scene to remind our neighbors what they should be focusing on during this time of year.
6. Our Christmas cards to our friends and neighbors will all contain gospel tracts that will redirect their attention to the true meaning of Christmas and help them realize their hopelessly lost spiritual condition.
7. We will sing only Christian Christmas carols, including the Twelve Days of Christmas because, though it is not overtly spiritual in lyrics, it was used as a code to tell the gospel message in times of Christian oppression and persecution.
8. We will write letters of protest to government officials and stage demonstrations as necessary when Nativity Scenes and other Christian symbols of Christmas are attacked and prohibited from being displayed in public places.
9. We will not attend any holiday parties, but will only attend church services on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
10. We will not exchange gifts on Christmas Day until we have first recited the Christmas story from Luke and spent the next two hours in prayer to intercede for our nation to be delivered from its spirit of greed and materialism.

I hope our little covenant will inspire you to find ways to bring back the joy and peace of celebrating our Lord’s birth. Remember, Jesus is the Reason for the Season!

Blessings and joy to you all,
Rosalyn Ebberly
SAHM I AM Loop Moderator

“She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Proverbs 31:27 (NASB)